Skip to main content

Rhino Dung and Bee Hives: Far Cry Primal

Hey, everyone. Back with you at the Author's Green Retreat. Carley and I have been playing Far Cry Primal on the PS4. We are really enjoying it. Currently we are playing a quest entitled Urki's New Stink. Urki is a stone age inventor. He wanted to fly and landed with a resounding thump after attaching a few feathers to his arms and jumping off a cliff.
     But today, he sought our help again. He had invented a concoction to anoint his body with. In theory, it was supposed to repel bears. Alas, it did not work, so he sent me in search of things to mix a new stink elixir. Here's where he and I disagreed. He wanted 5 piles of rhino dung. Yes, you heard right. I have a picture here somewhere...
     The second ingredient is 3 honey combs or bee hives. I find the thought of mixing honey with rhino dung nauseating. By the way, the pics show these materials as being red and steamy. I certainly am aware that dung, at an early age, can steam. In this case, however, I am using my "hunter vision". By the use of this we can follow clues such as scent or wraith-like senses which enable the happy dung seeker to "feel" the surroundings more astutely. It does, however, take the color out of the lovely landscapes rendered by Ubisoft.
     At any rate, the third ingredient required by the deranged inventor was a tamed brown bear. I am known as the Beastmaster of Oros, being able to bend sabertooths and their ilk to my will. So I was not 'a-skeered' ( as my associates would term it) of this task.
     Setting forth into the wild, I found a herd of rhinos. I suspected that, in such a locale, I might find some rhino dung. Moreover, I reasoned that any self respecting rhino would be willing to share such a common and odorous substance. But nooooooo. Rhinos actually attacked me while I helped myself to their excrement. I guess it was precious in their sight. I suppose that some enterprising rhino was selling the stuff for fertilizer.
     As if things weren't bad enough, I saw a rhino stop and sniff the air as I hid in the weeds. This caused me no end of self-reproach. Thoughts assailed me. "Do I smell so badly that this brute can smell me over the reeking mass just behind him?" I resolved to have a shower under a nearby waterfall.
    I found the bee hives, the poopy and the brown bear. I tamed the bear and took it back to my friend. He was thrilled and applied the mixture to his body. Then he ordered me to instruct my newly trained bear to attack him. I did so, knowing full-well that the creature would maul his skanky rear. This immediately came to pass and I departed for my shower, my pet bear walking at a little  safe distance to my side. From the green retreat, I'm CE Wills.





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The White Chicken Mystery

    The other night I happened to come home very late. It was the middle of the night and I was driving up a steep mountain road. Near the top I saw something white in my headlights. It was standing in the other lane, standing very still. It was a large white chicken. It was probably a rooster because I thought I could see his comb as I whizzed by at my customary pace. He never moved a muscle. This is weird, don't you think?      After a couple of days to consider this phenomenon, I have come up with some plausible answers for his bizarre behavior. 1. He was conflicted whether or not he should cross the road. 2. He was feeling cocky and decided to play chicken with the traffic. 3.He was being hen-pecked at home and had decided to end it all. 4. Someone had egged him on to do it. 5. He had just watched the movie Fantastic Four and decided to try to stop a truck the way that Ben Grimm did on the bridge. 6. He had driven himself crazy wondering if ...

Batman Lives In Washington, DC

    Hey, everyone. I just read an interesting article on Washington Post.Com by Mike Rosenwald. It was titled Who Is the Route 29 Batman? This is a true story about a guy that the cops pulled over. The guy was driving a black Lamborghini with Batman plates. There were yellow Batman symbols on the doors. They had a video from the police car that showed him being pulled over. He was wearing a Bat-suit which he said cost him $5000. His gig is that he visits sick children in area hospitals and hands out Bat-Toys and Bat-books to cheer the kids up.     His name is Lenny B. Robinson and he says that the 'B' stands for Batman. He is perfectly sane and is just a good dude trying to make a difference. He is a self-made millionaire and is currently having a duplicate of the Batmobile custom-made at a cost of $250,000.    It was a hoot, watching the cops having their pictures made with the Bat Guy. Someone asked him where Robin was and he said that the boy won...

Cake Is Better Than Swords

Hey, everyone. On Thanksgiving, we had a get-together here at The Author's Green Retreat. One lady brought a cake which I wanted to show you. It had the look of a Roman Coliseum about it. Inside it was just as decadent...and fun, as ancient Rome. When I cut it open, homemade marshmallow cream began to ooze out in several spots, running over the chocolate cake and peanut butter icing. It is best served warm so the cream is fluid. Very tasty. The same lady, and her children, are people who have played a lot of Skyrim. They gave me some pointers on the game because I am having problems with it. They taught me how to fast travel, and a ton of other things, but the main thing was the armor and clothing problem. This is a little embarrassing, but let me explain. Okay. For several weeks when I played, I would enter towns and everyone I met would comment on my nakedness. I would select a tunic and shoes, whatever, go back around people and they would say something about it. I guess I w...