Que Sera, Sera.
Whatever will be, will be,
The future's not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.
When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother,
What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me.
I was never crazy about the song, back in the day. I was more into rock, which was sweeping into the teen world at that time. It has a nice melody and a different sort of message to the typical romantic song. Since I've retired I like it more, for some reason. I have the music for it and have played it a few times. But recently I find the song's philosophy of life interesting.
For instance, look at the things young folks think about during childhood. What are their hopes for their future? What makes up their dreams, if they have any? During the time I have indicated, a typical girl might have thought more about her looks than she would today. Many children, male and female, might have thought about being wealthy someday. Today's children might be more inclined to be a software designer or a techie of some sort. They may aspire to be smart or highly educated, to travel the world or fulfill a humanitarian purpose. In some cases they may aspire to die as a martyr in some cause they deem worthy. In most cases there would seem less of an inclination to seek a Barbie Doll lifestyle.
As I look back on my own life from my advanced age I gain a different perspective. I can more easily see the attitude of the mother in the song. A Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a "Whatever will be, will be." Things that once seemed of earth-shaking importance matter little. Being hindered in traveling no longer seems important. Success with my books? I can live without it. It would be nice, but whatever. Being healthy means a lot and I can now look back on my attitude as a youth with a smile. I would smother a laugh when older folks would say, "If you have your health, you have just about everything".
No, as a youth, I didn't aspire to good looks. It never bothered me that I was plain. It did bother me being poor. I hated going to school with holes in my socks and being the ragged boy from the poor side of town. I had a scary, fierce drive to accomplish things. I would work super hard, study endlessly to get something done. Not really to add it to my quiver of knowledge, but more to satiate some need for self-respect, I think. Now, I look at my life and shake my head. I enjoy retirement more for the things I don't have to do than for the opportunity to do things I want to do. I get real pleasure from the simple things like being able to pay my bills without worrying about them. Being able to buy a book or game if I want one. The simple things are enough for me. If I don't like someone, I just avoid them. Relatives I used to feel obligated to go see, I simply ignore their existence.
Due to my background, I have always enjoyed simple things somewhat. If I bought a new pair of jeans, I had a lot of joy in that. "Look, no holes!" A good hammer, instead of a cheap piece of crap? Cool. A car that doesn't embarrass me by its peccadilloes? A blessing from God.
Sometimes I wonder if my 'Doris Day' moment was more about having a life that was significant in some way. I feared greatly the thought of living and dying in a ghetto, insignificant to the world. Now, significance or fame doesn't really mean jack to me.
I remember going to the Bahamas and gambling at a casino when I was in my 30's. I got a kick out of it because I had seen James Bond do it when I was 13 and had crawled under the drive-in fence. Ha,ha, ha. Funny, I know. Now I would just as soon play a video game for a couple of hours and have a nap. These things that drive us are amazingly interesting and complex. The vast majority of us never truly understand what motivates us. Oh, we think we know, but we don't. I don't pretend to understand my quirks. Some are amusing, some ...not so much.
I find it hard to express the feeling of satisfaction I have found in writing books. Not so much in the areas you might think. What I love about it is the fact that it is something that wasn't there and now it is. I can look at a character and say, "Hey, he is pretty cool". Or, when I built this house, stepping back at the end of the day and seeing a wall take shape and knowing I had a part in its origin. That this work might shelter my wife, my children, my grandchildren for years to come. Now, 25 years later, a little great grandson is crawling around that same house, on occasion.
You know what is weird about me? No, other than all those things that leap to your mind. Ha, ha. I have always seemed to have jobs that carried responsibility. My intensity must have made people feel that I would watch things. That I would not sit idly by and let someone's power grid, weather forecast, water supply or mail get screwed up. With all my limitations, I would endeavor to do what was needed.
Really, the Que Sera, Sera attitude has been far removed from my life for all these years. Now at this relatively late hour, I can more readily see its benefits. Rather than flailing at windmills, I can more readily sit on the porch and watch them turn, at the author's green retreat.
I'm CE Wills.
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