My Bear Has Maggots

    Hey, everyone. Do you remember my bear I told you about? The one that a guy carved out of a solid chunk of pine, using a chain saw? Well, I named him Smokie and I have grown rather attached to the little guy. He doesn't talk much, just sits by the fireplace and thinks his thoughts. Recently we put him out in the flower bed to watch over the bushes. Today I moved him, so that I could cut weeds and I discovered that he has maggots invading his...uhh, base. His stand. It is a real bummer, as we used to say, back in the sixties.
     I sprayed his bottom with insecticide and the maggots died, but I am still concerned. I mean, he's so unselfish and has given of his free time to watch over the bushes and scare the dog away that might want to crap on the hydrangeas.
    Is there a moral to this story? Well, gee..
1) No good deed goes unpunished.
2) Nice bears finish last.
3) When you start trying to do good deeds, you'd better watch your butt.
4) When carving a statue, use pressure treated wood.
By the way, did you notice that the bear has blue eyes? (marbles). The marbles used were those commonly referred to as 'cat's eye' marbles. One is turned sideways and the other is turned vertically. Funny.
    From the author's green retreat, I'm CE Wills.

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The White Chicken Mystery

The other night I happened to come home very late. It was the middle of the night and I was driving up a steep mountain road. Near the top I saw something white in my headlights. It was standing in the other lane, standing very still. It was a large white chicken. It was probably a rooster because I thought I could see his comb as I whizzed by at my customary pace. He never moved a muscle. This is weird, don't you think? After a couple of days to consider this phenomenon, I have come up with some plausible answers for his bizarre behavior. 1. He was conflicted whether or not he should cross the road. 2. He was feeling cocky and decided to play chicken with the traffic. 3.He was being hen-pecked at home and had decided to end it all. 4. Someone had egged him on to do it. 5. He had just watched the movie Fantastic Four and decided to try to stop a truck the way that Ben Grimm did on the bridge. 6. He had driven himself crazy wondering if ...

Cake Is Better Than Swords

Hey, everyone. On Thanksgiving, we had a get-together here at The Author's Green Retreat. One lady brought a cake which I wanted to show you. It had the look of a Roman Coliseum about it. Inside it was just as decadent...and fun, as ancient Rome. When I cut it open, homemade marshmallow cream began to ooze out in several spots, running over the chocolate cake and peanut butter icing. It is best served warm so the cream is fluid. Very tasty. The same lady, and her children, are people who have played a lot of Skyrim. They gave me some pointers on the game because I am having problems with it. They taught me how to fast travel, and a ton of other things, but the main thing was the armor and clothing problem. This is a little embarrassing, but let me explain. Okay. For several weeks when I played, I would enter towns and everyone I met would comment on my nakedness. I would select a tunic and shoes, whatever, go back around people and they would say something about it. I guess I w...

Egg Art

Hey, everyone. One of the odd customs in America is the Easter Egg Hunt. Here at the Green Retreat, we do a hunt every Spring. I just ran across some of the pictures from this years hunt and it is obvious that an artist had sneaked into our midst. The orange egg is a rendering of one of the Angry Birds of gaming lore. If I were a bird and had to pass an egg that size, I would be angry too. Ha, ha. We typically will dye about 10 dozen eggs and people get quite creative with their quotes and colors, as you can see. Many of the eggs are a bit risque for these pages. After having a few laughs, we hide the eggs. All of them are never found, which is cool. It is amusing to see old men (me) and all ages of folks, walking around with a basket on their arm. Some of the hiding spots are dastardly. Like eggs hidden in the guttering downspouts and ten foot up a tree. The kids are perhaps the most devious at hiding the colorful orbs, goi...

CE Wills

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