My Bear Has Maggots

    Hey, everyone. Do you remember my bear I told you about? The one that a guy carved out of a solid chunk of pine, using a chain saw? Well, I named him Smokie and I have grown rather attached to the little guy. He doesn't talk much, just sits by the fireplace and thinks his thoughts. Recently we put him out in the flower bed to watch over the bushes. Today I moved him, so that I could cut weeds and I discovered that he has maggots invading his...uhh, base. His stand. It is a real bummer, as we used to say, back in the sixties.
     I sprayed his bottom with insecticide and the maggots died, but I am still concerned. I mean, he's so unselfish and has given of his free time to watch over the bushes and scare the dog away that might want to crap on the hydrangeas.
    Is there a moral to this story? Well, gee..
1) No good deed goes unpunished.
2) Nice bears finish last.
3) When you start trying to do good deeds, you'd better watch your butt.
4) When carving a statue, use pressure treated wood.
By the way, did you notice that the bear has blue eyes? (marbles). The marbles used were those commonly referred to as 'cat's eye' marbles. One is turned sideways and the other is turned vertically. Funny.
    From the author's green retreat, I'm CE Wills.

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The White Chicken Mystery

The other night I happened to come home very late. It was the middle of the night and I was driving up a steep mountain road. Near the top I saw something white in my headlights. It was standing in the other lane, standing very still. It was a large white chicken. It was probably a rooster because I thought I could see his comb as I whizzed by at my customary pace. He never moved a muscle. This is weird, don't you think? After a couple of days to consider this phenomenon, I have come up with some plausible answers for his bizarre behavior. 1. He was conflicted whether or not he should cross the road. 2. He was feeling cocky and decided to play chicken with the traffic. 3.He was being hen-pecked at home and had decided to end it all. 4. Someone had egged him on to do it. 5. He had just watched the movie Fantastic Four and decided to try to stop a truck the way that Ben Grimm did on the bridge. 6. He had driven himself crazy wondering if ...

Cake Is Better Than Swords

Hey, everyone. On Thanksgiving, we had a get-together here at The Author's Green Retreat. One lady brought a cake which I wanted to show you. It had the look of a Roman Coliseum about it. Inside it was just as decadent...and fun, as ancient Rome. When I cut it open, homemade marshmallow cream began to ooze out in several spots, running over the chocolate cake and peanut butter icing. It is best served warm so the cream is fluid. Very tasty. The same lady, and her children, are people who have played a lot of Skyrim. They gave me some pointers on the game because I am having problems with it. They taught me how to fast travel, and a ton of other things, but the main thing was the armor and clothing problem. This is a little embarrassing, but let me explain. Okay. For several weeks when I played, I would enter towns and everyone I met would comment on my nakedness. I would select a tunic and shoes, whatever, go back around people and they would say something about it. I guess I w...

Batman Lives In Washington, DC

Hey, everyone. I just read an interesting article on Washington Post.Com by Mike Rosenwald. It was titled Who Is the Route 29 Batman? This is a true story about a guy that the cops pulled over. The guy was driving a black Lamborghini with Batman plates. There were yellow Batman symbols on the doors. They had a video from the police car that showed him being pulled over. He was wearing a Bat-suit which he said cost him $5000. His gig is that he visits sick children in area hospitals and hands out Bat-Toys and Bat-books to cheer the kids up. His name is Lenny B. Robinson and he says that the 'B' stands for Batman. He is perfectly sane and is just a good dude trying to make a difference. He is a self-made millionaire and is currently having a duplicate of the Batmobile custom-made at a cost of $250,000. It was a hoot, watching the cops having their pictures made with the Bat Guy. Someone asked him where Robin was and he said that the boy won...

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