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The Gnat Warrior

     I am Pervious, the gnat warrior. As you know, we gnats exist for the sole purpose of bothering humans. We rejoice in the apparent irritation we cause people. You are probably not aware that there are such things as Gnat Warriors.  The distinction between us and regular gnats is that we bite. We prefer to bite your face and ears. The ear lobe of humans is a special delicacy. When I 'eat out' with lady gnats, that is where I like to go. The ear lobe. The flesh is so soft! Sometimes there are these tiny hairs that feel good on my feet.
     You know what I really love? I love it when a human takes a swing at me, misses and hits himself in the face! That is hilarious.
     I know what you're thinking, at least the Germaphobes among you. You think that we gnats are nasty because we have been seen, hovering around gross stuff. This accusation is true. But pride will not endure in the fast-paced, live on the razor's edge world of the Gnat Warrior. Any moment could be your last and you have to grab for all the gusto you can.
    I'll give you an example of dangerous living. Recently, I heard a legend that a human named Carley Wills had fielded an ingenious trap for gnats. It made me curious, so I checked it out. She cut a hole in a mason jar's lid. Then she placed a chunk of banana in the jar. (Yummy). Then the sneaky woman rolled up a piece of paper into a cone shape and inserted it into the jar. Supposedly, the unsuspecting gnats could enter the jar okay but could not find their way out.
     Well, something this diabolical has to be explored. Plus, I have a cocky, arrogant streak and I felt challenged. So I went to the kitchen at the green retreat and landed outside the jar. My mouth dropped open in horror and disbelief. I saw my brethren enter the trap, come out the bottom of the cone and then feast on the banana. I could even see the sticky slime on their little feet. But then they tried to leave and couldn't. I saw them press their tiny faces to the glass, screaming in terror. I shudder to remember it.
    Undaunted, I entered the trap, determined to free my compadres. When I had eaten my fill of the fruit, I found that I was too disoriented to find the exit. I languished with my associates and waited for death. We were lined up like people outside the Apple Store.
      I felt we were doomed. After hours that seemed like days, a big hand grabbed the jar and traveled out the front door to the yard. To my surprise, Carley removed the lid and set us free. I heard her complain that the trap would not kill gnats but got them out of her hair. I heard her tell CE, her husband, that she would rather have us dead. Dangerous woman. Little did she know that I immediately followed her back inside the house...
     I am sort of a legend in Gnatville. In fact, some of the guys have taken to calling me Im-Pervious. Get it?
     From Gnatville, this is Pervious, the Gnat Warrior, signing off.

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